Thursday, 27 October 2011

Photographic Intern Needed Brighton

Goddamn Media need a Brighton based intern for a fortnight.....we are putting together a Goddamn Calender........duties will be to assist the director as we galavant about set up shots, persuade the innocent to remove their clothes, hold the umberella, shout at passers by who get in shot etc. Full reference and work experience given. Your own camera would help but it is not necessary......some creativity is important though!

Thursday, 18 August 2011


The Countess of Brighton and Hackney is to host and event in one of Hove's finest venues, the H Bar. The event is a carnival of fine clothes fit for queens and kings and in betweens.
Some of Brighton's best artists and designers are to exhibit their finery.
Details below dear friends!



A Recession Proof Show

On the 17th of September, sponsored by fetish model Ms Poppy Cock, 
the Buttercream Bakery, H Bar and Goddamn Media, Brightonians 
and visitors alike will be beckoned towards the first and only fashion 
show of its kind.

Some of our cities best loved characters including the Countess 
of Brighton and Hackney (of Come Dine With Me Fame) and Peter 
Jarrette are involved in this creative afternoon of colour and design.
Designs are inspired by the unity and friendliness of Brighton and 
its unique spirit, some politically motivated referencing recent 
unrest and others inspired by the simple things in life like tea and cake.

The show will prove that fashion does not need to be costly.

The only rule of entry for exhibitors is that the design was made or 
styled or glued or stapled in the four week period before the event.

Free entry with complimentary cupcakes for early arrivals

4pm-8pm on the 17th of September 20011

Get in touch if you would like to exhibit or for any other questions.



Sunday, 7 August 2011

The Goddamn Media Agency for Characterful Inhabitants of Brighton and Hackney

A visit to an eminent specialist in the field of feminine balances has confirmed that one is not suffering from the symptoms of the climacteric after all. This factor has more than distressed your Countess who was already looking forward to a retirement from the expected performings of women in their reproductive years....well of a fashion at least. Indeed I have quite the opposite of a lack of hormones, an influx of them moreover which seemingly is the potency behind some behavioural difficulties that my shrink has been dealing with, seasoned liberally with his despair. So be it, methinks, and armed with youthful hormonal vigour I have returned to business activities.

I am to head a campaign for the employment in the arts of some of our most flamboyant and grandiose characters from the boroughs of Brighton and Hackney. How thrilled I am to have been considered for such a position, realising of course that my regal and media connections put me in good stead for success!

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Cheese and Sleeze

The Palace received an invite to sample cheeses and wines in a delicatessen of fine produce. I escorted mother who was outshone I feel somewhat by the family crest upon the Countess chest. The image seemingly draws attention to one's finer assets.

The venue for the evening was an establishment in Hove called La Cave and the event was hosted by a charming Frenchman and several farmers. The Countess was welcomed most appropriately with fine white wine and was witness to an exciting demonstration of cheese hint of sarcasm was truly an enjoyable lecture and one learnt so much. Are you aware readers that heifers are impregnated initially by smaller bulls and latterly by larger ones? I immediately saw similarities with my own history of reproduction and my first small husband.

La Cave is fast becoming renowned for its cheese platters.......I wait patiently for an invitation from one of my suitors or to attend their new cheese club at the very least. And the Countess is not to be outdone by the residents of South Kensington (where Le Cave behold a sister branch of lesser interest) who do not require pricings on the fare and think little of eighty guinea chunks of cheese!......the people of Brighton are thrifty by comparison, no vulgarity or excess on these fine streets, not of cheese at any rate for the people of our borough concern themselves with other excesses....those to be enjoyed next week at Pride!

Slumber in peace, God bless you all.

Subterfuge, conspiracies, deceptions and tattoos.

The Countess proved her sturdy constitution quite recently with the marking of a regal crest upon her decolletage.

I was escorted in the royal golden carriage by the Baron, Rupert de la Mare, to a small peninsular called Godsport, a very minor and insignificant hamlet along the south coast towards Southampton. The journey there was most pleasant despite the Baron's late arrival.....alas his time keeping is unimproved since his leaving the Brighton Palace for his a la mode apartments in Kemptown. (I was invited finally to said abode after several persuasions and reasonings.....the apartments have a handsome sea view and are guarded, due of course to the Baron's stashes of wealth and trinkets therein, by a ferocious beast imported from the Americas. I was most pleased by the Baron's success at independance and indeed at his fine taste.)

Now however, I must 'fill you in' readers on a crime that was perpetrated upon the Baron himself. A cousin from the insignificant peninsular I speak of was to attend our good borough for no other purpose we believe than a robbery of the a la mode apartments. The gent, hardly more than a boy, is an unsophisticated brute, badly educated, practically illiterate and with the manners of a baboon. He is a distant enough relative, at least in miles, spawned from an accident of choice that my brother made during a lapse of concentration as he was targeted by a gold digger of the worst caliber.
Sadly for the Baron, his excellent breeding and fine moral fiber has always dictated his honour and commitment to charity and those less fortunate than ourselves, buffered yet more by the honour to blood ties and to kith and kin.
The Brighton staff at my Palace were not made aware of the presence of the brute until a message sent urgently across the borough revealing a theft of moneys from the Baron's private quarters......a thousand guineas no less, removed from the safe. The cousin had pretended for two days to be the Baron's comrade, a consort even in his business, privvy to his affairs of state and to his private banking procedures.
The Baron was bereft at the betrayal, more that than over the moneys that were now lost!

Now quite by coincidence it was that the Lady Helena of the Heaths of Godsport was reserved some months prior to emblem the family crest upon the Countess decolatage in the very same town that this cad had hailed from. So it was that the Baron was quick to attend to my accompaniment there.

This town was quite uncomfortable from the onset for the inhabitants appeared to be entirely related; even the children had cellulite and I feel sure they compass webbed feet or worse still. There was a sense of warped time and Jeremy Kyle about the streets and toothless boys playing banjos on rooves would not have been misplaced.
Alas dear readers worse was to come for as the Countess lay on her back, fortified by nothing more than de la Mare du Valentine stamina (not for the first time of course, remember the C(o)unt) the Baron had been ambushed, due to a prior call, ney a tip off, by the entire Godsport constabulary. It took a further twenty-four hours of influence and status to secure the Baron's release! Rumours were rife amongst the simple people of the town that the Baron had visited prior with the dog from the Americas and some assistant thuggery........and there was silly rumour of a gun!

Thank the Lord then that the jinxed expedition at least resulted in Lady Helena's fine art piece.

 God bless you all my children.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Eligible Batchelors and Hip Thrusters

An invitation to a ball at the Brighton ballroom had arrived last week from the Marquess of Brunswick. I was dressed to impress in a new designer dress from Vivienne Westwood which had arrived at the Palace by special delivery on Friday afternoon. The Marquess sent invitation with his calling card attatched......see herein for yourselves........

It is fair to say that the gentleman's tassling accessories fairly pleased me and my intention was to attend the event.

I was to meet Princess Nathalie of the Hunters in the Art Bar around eight for the sharing of wine. The Princess was on good form, dressed to perfection as always. She told me a story of particular interest involving Sir Douglas of the Craigs and how he calls for her in the wee small hours when nightmares, phantasms and other hallucinations wake him from his slumber. The Countess was most surprised although I fear I may have misheard and that the Princess was referring instead to her son Little Lord Beau......the wines were from a supurb region and the events and conversations became confused and muddled in the murky corner of my climacteric brain. I will clear the matter up some other time. Meantime I see that Sir Douglas blossoms into a fine figure of a man. He works in the city of Londinium for a leading computer company and his expertise knows no bounds. I am quite keen that he be matched with any one of my daughters though sadly they are seemingly matched already for even Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies found love this week with a gentleman who works in medicinal powders. I am yet to be introduced for it seems that the gentleman is afraid......I know not of what! Ah well.......the days are early and I may be successful for a match in the future........ Sir Douglas is of fine stock and a joining could swell the Countess' coffers.

Alas we were unable to attend the event at the Ballroom......the hours slipped through our fingers like sand grains.

Instead we went, accompanied by Sir Douglas of the Craigs of Aberdeen, to the castle of Sir Paul of the Edmond clan some fifty steps away.We decided the air would do us good and I sent the golden carriage back to mother's abode.
Alas the hospitality was more than favourable and hence I was not to return to mother's until today, this day a Sunday. How we danced and frolicked and misbehaved like small children for this is our way in Brighton when we reach the weeks end. Big Irish Jono was also in attendance (I have forgiven him his recent misdemeanors of which there are very many) and we danced so excitedly that a nail on my left hand was chipped......I have booked a manicure tomorrow as I am a woman of reputation, a woman of manners and of good grooming and my desire is always to stay at top of these qualities.

Sir Paul of the Edmonds was debonair as ever and  was in generous spirits and gave as leaving gift two of his wonderful photographs. For those unaware Sir Paul is most famous having photographed Duran Duran, a band of roaming minstrel quite famous during the 1980's or there about. I am most pleased at the gifts, particularly a striking pose of the Countess in all her glory which will be available for view quite soon.

Sir Peter of the Jarrettes sent message last evening that he was available for party steps. I hear his ballroom dancing lessons go well and that the gent's Trinidadian and Tobagon genes are to be quite apparent in his hips as he partakes in the samba. Sadly by this hour one was quite 'done in' and so the quick hip flicking gent must save his libidinous maneuvers for another day.

My dear friend Sir Gaz of the Nuts sent word from Glastonbury that he is enjoying his time at a festival there. It seems there is much to do, wine and song and women......Sir Gaz may not return intact I fear. This very morning a Tory MP was to be discovered in the 'very important persons' water closet quite dead, no life in him left after the festivities.....just like the King Elvis of the Presleys! One prays that one's own demise will be more would not be appropriate to pass this world with one's bloomers at one's feet.

Now, Mother's castle looks well over the cricket ground of Hove and I am told that Sir Elton of the Johns will play especially for us this very evening. sadly I have little interest in the maestro and have opted instead to accompany the Baron Rupert de la Mare who is most agreeable in mood this warm Sunday and will host a buffet at one of the Borough's fine places of dining specializing in Eastern flavours.
Thankfully the L'il Literati has supplied the Countess with a magic formula for the problems of heartburn and I am once again free to eat as my will demands.

Until tomorrow, God Bless you all!

Thursday, 23 June 2011

A letter from Lord Double-Yew and Metal Wares in Brighton

News came early this morning from the Lord Double-Yew who was concerned that rumour and gossip may have sullied his standing in the borough of Brighton and cause some restrictions to his credit facilities. 
I quote from his ramblings....

.....' Worry not, news comes that I may well inherit "Port Hall" a substantial English pile in an exceedingly good neighbourhood. If the decrepit old relative can shuffle along speedily I may have the improvements needed on the "Hall" (I shudder at the thought of an outside privy in the Winter months) to be in to celebrate Christmas in style. Her Ladyship can then scrabble together the social standing she has worked so tirelessly to acquire. Onwards and upwards, my dear!.........'

Your Countess of course has been brought up by this fine country's most superior governesses and my time in Switzerland at the finishing school taught me well that charity is an obligation, ney more, a compulsion! And so I have ordered from an 'on line' retailer something to assist the Lord and his kin in his time of difficulty as he makes do in the thoroughfare of Montpelier......

Now news of one's errant girl child, Skye, Queen of the Mushroom Fairies. We were to meet this very day in order to procure outfits more suited for the changeable weather, part rain part shine without sensible prediction. What fun we had as we scoured the bargains about the borough in childlike and excited spirits. We also took late luncheon in a fine place of dining and shared stories and tales of recent days......I treat these reunions with great respect less he time before the next be longer than anticipated for this child and I are unpredictable in our crossing paths.

We were later to a trader named Wild Cat (funds enabled a purchase in fine jewelery for my child) where the rabid chihuahua took interest in a shelf of metal ware which the Mushroom Queen and I found most curious and yet most confusing. We were none the wiser as we left and I will leave it to you dear readers to make your judgements.

Tomorrow promises vodka although the Palace is to decide on my attendances. 
I beg you enjoy the week's end ahead of us despite the dampening influence of the rain.

God bless you all!

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