Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Football and Heartburn

The Palace machine has never run so smoothly and the Countess has become calmed at last after the weeks of preparations for the Palace Fetish Art exhibition. Business plans are on schedule and my secretary is content with the swelling coffers, although they swell less in these times of recession.

I have been in receipt of many messages of congratulations and thanks although I wait with anticipation the final remuneration from Martin of the Freedmans who, somewhat overcome by the Foxy warrior, reserved her portrait in gold behind bars. 


Nothing other this past week seemed to add any unnecessary drama and what with business and civic commitments less challenging than usual one has been able to focus attentions on one's person.
The Countess wardrobes swell with new designs, shoes delivered direct from Channel and Dolce and Cabana and clothes direct from Vivienne Westwood.

Friday saw a visit to Hove to meet with the Lady Pembleton-Fraser in a place for sampling wines known as the Lion d'or. 
Most fortuitous was the arrival of the Lord Double-Yew for as you may recall readers I was to question his methods as landlord of slums in the borough. I believe my duty as both friend and governor were executed well. 
In fact relations between the Lord in question and lady Emily have seemingly improved for this very evening the lovely Lady Emily invited the Lord and his good wife to the abode at the centre of the criticism for a feast of risotto.
Be it far from me to gossip (as mother of course is apt to mention.....a lady of my social standing and education must rise above the temptations of the gutter). 
However, cook was caught in an act of tongue wagging with the scullery maid by the stable boy, who then shared it, it seems, with the gardener who accidentally let it slip to the butler as your Countess overlooked the Rhododendrons........I am weary with the tale already....but I will continue. 

It seems that earlier last evening in the abode of Lady Emily Sarah  of the Wrights there was an incident with a wooden spoon and buttocks that only involved the Ladies there present. Seemingly Lady Charlotte quite became enlightened in the activity as the Lord Double-Yew watched smoking a Havana and warming his Cognac. 
I have warned my staff that discretion amongst the aristocracy is paramount and that their continued employ in my Palace depend on it! I will not tolerate tittle tattle, except for the truly enlightening.

I digress as usual and take you back to my time in Hove and the people there last week.

I was to spend some time in a rather dowdy castle, as part of my civic duties, in a place of ill repute named the Green House Effect. I was under some impression or other that it was a place of Eco friendliness and worldly experiment....perhaps where flowers would grow under a bubble as in the Eden project in the west country.......Alas I had been ill informed but in an attempt to mix with the proletariat and understand their foibles, I remained and was influenced to sample wines. (To be fair readers, the wines reminded your Countess of something cook uses for the servants Christmas broth).

I was entertained with great kindness however by many songsters from a band of travellers called, as I recall, Karaoke Songsters, including the lovely Kamna of the Dodds. I am unsure if her family are aware of her fall into the travelling karaoke lifestyle and will speak to her mother when and if the need arises. Sometimes parental ignorance is bliss.

Later I was pleased to meet the lovely Sir Teddy of the Maybank clan ....who I believe was once  great sportsman. Of course mother would be most unimpressed, or so I thought, at any prospect that my expensive education be wasted on the lifestyle of a W.A.G. 

(The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby has told me of W.A.G.s and their impact upon my boroughs, more on Hackney than Brighton it must be said, but a threat nonetheless to our young ladies and their career choices. W.A.G.s roam Britain in search of men of sport and cause themselves to be forcibly impregnated by them so that they may insist on the purchase of new handbags and shoes, regularly. I have had to persuade my daughters that such temptation should be avoided .....although the Baron may do well by it should he become that way view of his lack of academic comitment.).

The night was not over and I was to be yet further entertained by the proprietor of the Red Rooms Castle. How generous he was as we partied hard with no strain on the Palace coffers. And our party was to travel to Hove in the sunshine the very next day. Beyond that my memory has failed me for the party was seemingly never to end and the champagne to forever flow.

When I was returned home my health had suffered and I was to my dear friend Sir Peter Jarrette who told me of this dreaded heart burn which can be a direct result of going to too many parties in a row. My physician is dealing with it and I am to consider a rest from my hectic schedule.......when a break becomes possible.

Later in the week I was to the latest Music Bar for I had been personally invited by Marilyn Monroe to a night of iconic entertainment. I had secured the Foxy warrior as a showgirl for Elvis Presley and he was most pleased with her feather thrusting on the stage to the wonder of an entranced audience. It was to be a night of being quite starstruck by the Americans as even Frank Sinatra arrived having heard that the Countess was guest of honour.

Good news from one's offspring arrived also this week.
The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby has become a personal instructor of dance at the new club of Glee. I am not so sure what this club entails but I am assured by Della that it is simply beyond fabulous and that her position there will benefit the good people o f our borough greatly. There is even talk of a second School of Glee in Hackney......although the Li'l Literati is uninterested as she finds dancing quite frivolous!

And more news from Hackney and the Li'l one.....she has been gainfully employed by one of our country's finest schools.....Roedean no edit their annual publication and design invitations to the great ball which will celebrate one hundred and twenty five years of educating girls of fine calibre, including the Li'l one of course.

Tuesday last I was introduced through a family friend, Mandy of the Spencer clan, to a gentleman of apparent means and excellent social standing. He was most charming indeed and requested my accompaniment at a soiree where I would be treated and entertained  with great culinary masterpieces and performances of sacred music. The day was spent in pleasant surroundings, all be they bijou, with a gentleman and a scholar whose charm was almost flawless.  I say 'almost' readers because there were certain anomalies in his explanations and disclosures.
I have decided not to permit any further associations as I am of the opinion that he may be linked with an underworld. Dear mother has had enough disappointment in her life without the threat of a ransom looming. I foolishly allowed the meeting despite my minder being absent.

Now what of this last weekend?
Tranny Anna arrived with wines and the Lady Pembleton-Fraser with vodkas.....and later Sir Teddy of the Maybank clan. Much chitting and chatting ensued and all was well, indeed Mother seemingly forgave Sir Teddy for his footballing past........ but later the Baron, of ill mood, arrived and took stock of the Palace guests. The baron was not in good spirits and for reasons unbeknown to myself or mother or my Lady in Waiting the Baron removed Sir Teddy in no uncertain fashion. Fortunately he left vodka.......a limited edition version with crests and its own silver all was not lost.
Sir Teddy later sent news that he was unable to pursue any relationship with the Palace in view of the Baron and his apparent 'madness'. It was clear at this point that the aging footballer had lost his spark for a spa!

Sunday was a day at the regal Square of Brunswick. My dear friend Lisa of the Montegues kindly invited the Countess to her palace overlooking the activities. How the wine flowed on that rainy day and we were oblivious to the tensions of the clouds. I was however forced to reprimand the Foxy Warrior because, under some influence no doubt.......she absconded with the Countess' new's shipped directly from foreign continents and so rare as to be insured by the Palace!
I have forgiven her in view of the fact that she pines for the butler, Miguel who was returned to Spain and the bosom of his family this week.

The Lady pembleton-Fraser has sent news of her pleasure at being photographed for the Latest 7 publication. My personal photographer Diana of the Frangis had excelled once again as our images were blazoned across page 5.
Indeed the famous artist, Martin of the Middleton's, visited the Palace this very evening and expressed similar delight.

And so we come to a close as I plan an evening at Lady Emily of the Wrights tomorrow. Her risotto has become quite legendary and I am eager with anticipation.

I am also to a luncheon appointment with a family friend and for coffee with Princess Catherine. I sigh at my commitments.

God bless you all my children.

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